Bah humbug

My last post was all about Christmas cheer and the joys of the festive season. Today, however my mood couldn’t be further from the excited, hopeful individual that wrote that piece.

As I write today, I feel as though I have regressed to a sulky teenager, someone who wants to hit out at the world and hibernate.

What’s changed? No one particular thing, maybe a culmination of many events, many interactions with others and many feelings and emotions I am struggling to deal with.

The house move is filling my life with uncertainty and while people are doing their jobs, it is exactly that – their job. It is not their life that’s on hold, their life that’s turned upside down and boxed up ready to go.

I feel as though my life is not my own. I am at the mercy of others for many different things and I am not in control; my usual default mode.

I am a homebody. I am the first to admit that my favourite place on earth is my bed and I am never happier than when I am at home with my family. I enjoy socialising but there’s nothing better than that feeling when you walk in to the warmth of your home, your sanctuary. That for me, is not there at the moment and it’s so difficult. My life is boxed up. My home is not my own.

I want to lock the door, keep everyone out. I want to take control and do things my way. I want to sulk like a petulant child and scream at anyone who wants to talk to me. I want to act out to try and find some way of exorcising these feelings. I want others to understand what it’s like.

But they won’t. As with any situation, there are those that feel they know best. There are those who want to fix you. There are those who will tell you they’ve been through it and understand. The thing is, no matter how similar our experiences, no two situations are exactly the same. We will all have different experiences, different reactions. We are all individuals.

So for today, I want to lock the door, shut out the world and hide under the duvet, metaphorically speaking. I know I will find that positivity again soon but just for today I need to hide, to lick my wounds and deal with all these changes. There is no quick fix out of these feelings and I don’t know where they’ll lead but just for today this is how I feel.

Until next time,

Toni xx

Are numbers just numbers?

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It’s been a few days since my last post and I am so touched by the responses I have received from it.  You will never know how timely they were.  There are many days when I feel as though I am on the right track and that I am where I am meant to be and then there are the other days when that inner voice is questioning everything I do and I feel like I ought to just give it all up.

Starting off on a new venture is hard.  You want to pursue something you love doing, that you are passionate about and yet all of a sudden there is so much more to learn and consider. You have questions, you have doubts and lots of to do lists.  You have ideas buzzing round in your head, you sit and create something that you are really proud of yet to show that to the world seems like the scariest thing.

What if no one likes it?

What if no one buys it?

What if it’s all for nothing?

One thing that holds me back in life (not just my creative life!) is looking at others, comparing myself to them and thinking I should do what they do.  It is so easy to look at other businesses and see everything I am not doing, to see how great their work is.

This is where I was the other day when I wrote my last blog. I was wondering whether I’d made a mistake starting all this. I was obsessing over what the ‘magic ingredient’ was that I still needed be as popular as others. I was looking at other people and I could not compete.  Then some of you lovely lot got in touch and talked about how much the last blog meant or discussed your similar experiences and in a heartbeat the numbers didn’t seem to matter anymore.

I realised that I could have a business where I made things that I knew would sell. I could have a facebook page where I ticked all the right boxes.  I could have a blog where I sat and wrote all the things I think you want to hear, all the things that sound clever. I could dance that magic dance but I won’t.  If I did that I wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be learning and I certainly would not want to continue with Dollies. Most of all I wouldn’t be finding so much out about myself. I wouldn’t be pushing my limits and stepping out of my comfort zone.

I realised that I am on a journey and if there are people that want to join me, to read my blog then that is fantastic – I would love to continue to share these experiences and all I am learning. I would love to know that some of my work has gone to a good home. For now, I am trying to remember that numbers are just numbers. They don’t guarantee success or happiness but if I receive only one piece of feedback like the feedback I received earlier this week it makes it all worthwhile and I know I am doing something right.

Go me! 😉

Until next time,

Toni xx