Breaking the rules

All my life, I have taken pride in the fact that I am good. I do what I think is expected of me. I fear taking risks in case they fail and I leave myself open to judgement and criticism.

As I have grown, I guess these actions have served me well but it’s also stopped me growing as a person. I’m finding now that as I delve further into my creativity, it is becoming an enemy rather than a friend. What helped me get through life in a way I found acceptable is now hindering my work. I find that I am torn between continuing the way I have always done, of doing what is expected of me and wanting to walk towards my dream life – by stepping over that line and being a rebel.

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The more I accept the daredevil inside me, the more the fear builds and ultimately, the louder that voice gets. You know the one; the one that is quick to criticise, to tell you what is going to go wrong, to let you know just how you will let others down – how others will judge you.

So the other morning I sat and thought. In a rare moment without my girls and husband around, I turned off the TV. I refrained from listening to music, made a cup of tea and sat outside. Listening to the birds, I just sat and closed my eyes. As seconds passed and I thought about where I was and where I want to be, I suddenly started distinguishing between what my heart was screaming and what my head was telling me. For the first time, I realised that my head was always a fraction behind my heart. Everything my heart was saying made me feel good to my core. Whenever my head spoke, I felt fear.
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That moment defined my future. It has helped me to make the first steps towards the life I want and the life I need. I want to rediscover the joy in life and teach my kids that money is not what counts; its how happy you are that matters. I don’t know what will happen in the long term after I make this change and that scares the life out of me, but I already feel as though a weight has been lifted. If I listen closely, there’s another voice inside that’s whispering that it’s ok; that I need to have faith, that I should trust that everything thing will be good and when those bumps in the road come along, as they inevitably do, I will cope. Everything I’ve done and learned has led to this and it’s time to move forward….one step at a time.

Until next time,

Toni x

Do we need to say goodbye?

I cannot believe that today we are welcoming in December. A day when we look forward to all the festivities the month will bring. It is also, for me, almost a month since we moved home.

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Since we moved, my body made it clear that I needed to slow down in the guise of different illnesses. Looking back now, all the stress, worrying, endless to do lists and mountains of packing just feels like a blur in my head. I did not have time to take stock, to look around and notice what was happening. Maybe it was because I couldn’t…or wouldn’t allow myself.

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Before we moved, I thought we would say an emotional goodbye to a house that’s been a feature in my life, for all my life. I visited my Aunty and Uncle there when I was young. When my grandparents bought it I remember my Grandad standing at the window, pretending to cheer as I left. It was the place to meet for family get togethers. It was the go to place when my parents separated and it was the house we stayed in when my dad died.

I do wonder, because of all that, whether the house ever felt 100% mine because of all the memories it held. Regardless, it was the house that saw our lives change. It welcomed new family – my youngest was even born there.

I felt that I needed to have time to say goodbye, to put closure on that chapter of our lives but it didn’t work that way. The universe had other plans.

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After time to think it over, to deal with the enormity of moving our lives elsewhere, I realise that it unfolded the way it had to. I didn’t have chance to think of what was happening – maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have cherished what we were going to…our new adventure.

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The new house doesn’t feel like ours just yet. We are taking time to settle, unpack (slowly) and find out what works and what doesn’t. I’m itching to buy paint, new furniture and furnishings but I am taking my time so I get it right. This house comes with very few memories and I want to grow into it.

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I am relaxing into each room and enjoying the space. I love, love, love having a craft space I can lock away from prying eyes and tiny fingers to create whenever I can.

Recent festive makes…. 🙂

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One thing I’m sure of is that I’m looking forward to making many new memories in this house….that and that it’s very, very unlikely I’ll move again 😉

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Until next time,

T xx

(All images sourced from Pinterest)

Dreaming my dream

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Sat in a cafe a few years ago, a friend and I, in conversation, realised we were both reading ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and enjoying the possibilities this book was introducing us to. I am the first to admit that I can be prone to focusing on the negative as I have mentioned before. The concept of thinking more positively, focusing more on what I want instead of what I don’t want really struck a chord.

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I did feel however, on completing the book was that I didn’t gel with everything in the book. I felt that while it was a good thing to be positive, it was unrealistic to be positive 100% of the time. I don’t know how it came about that I bought Mike Dooley’s book but I bought ‘Manifesting change’ and signed up to receive his ‘Notes from the Universe’ each day.

One of the things Mile maintains (like The Secret) is that what we think about, what we focus on and what we spend time visualising will become reality. I always try to do this with little things – like car parking spaces and find that it almost always works. Some may say its coincidence – maybe it is but I like to think it’s more than that.

So… Has it worked with bigger things? To date I can’t say it has but that doesn’t stop me trying. Plus it’s so fun to imagine what I would have if I could.

Lately, I’ve been imagining my perfect craft room. At this present moment my craft space consists of a corner of my dining room but if I were able to have the perfect room it would:

1. Be light and airy with white walls.
2. Have light coloured varnished floorboards
3. Contain some kind of comfy seating like an old leather settee or an oversized chair similar to this….

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4. It would have a desk down one side of the room with an island in the middle tall enough to allow me to work/cut fabric standing up. (Hey if you’re going to dream, you might as well do it right!)

In fact something like this would be perfect….

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5. It would contain accessories from my favourite colour palette – the peacock 🙂

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6. My organisation would go beyond storing my buttons by colour and everything would have its place.

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Most of all though it would be a space for me. A place I can escape to to create – a room that is just mine. It will be a place I can plan, relax and dream. It can be a place I can leave for a while and come back to it – and it will be exactly as I left it.

You may not think much of the philosophies of Rhonda Byrne and Mile Dooley. You may think they’re a nice idea but not realistic….or you might hope that there’s a grain of truth in them and want to give it a go. All I know is that thinking positive and visualising the life I want is no bad thing and if it does bring about wonderful changes – even better. Thinking about the things I would like allows me to dream, strive and hope but in a strange way it also allows me to appreciate what I’ve already got.

For now I have my craft corner in my own little house with a great family. Anything else is a fantastic bonus. 🙂

Until next time,

Toni xx

Challenge and progress

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I’m nearly three weeks in to the 100 happy days challenge. How am I doing? Well… My children and food seem to be featuring regularly each day. 😉

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Have I learnt anything from it so far? I’m not sure. What I do know is that it has made me more aware of how I feel each day – I am conscious of what makes me smile and what I enjoy.

This has been very timely. It has given me something to focus on at a time when I have been finding it difficult to feel positive. This week has been the 5th week with Labyrinthitis – far longer than I ever thought I’d be experiencing it. Earlier this week, I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow for severe dizziness and nausea.

Those days, I was struggling to post positivity on Facebook. What the challenge did help me to do was see something good in a difficult day. I can honestly say if I wasn’t doing this challenge, I probably wouldn’t have tried to do so and probably would have felt even worse.

In all honesty, I desperately want to be writing blogs about my creations, my ideas and my inspirations. Maybe that’s what you click on here hoping to find…. If it is bear with me!

I desperately want to be posting photos of my works in progress. When it comes down to it just to get up without feeling dizzy sounds like the best gift in the world right now!

So despite all I want to do, despite what I want to show you this is where I am today. I hope beyond hope that there is an end to it soon. Until then bear with me. Until then, enjoy my moments of happiness I am sharing each day – it allows me to feel normal for a moment each day and allows me to pretend I’m doing ok 🙂

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Wherever you are in life, I would definitely recommend it. As time goes on maybe I will surprise you with other things that make me smile. I hope some of my posts bring a little sunshine to you too.

Until next time,

Toni xx