Do we need to say goodbye?

I cannot believe that today we are welcoming in December. A day when we look forward to all the festivities the month will bring. It is also, for me, almost a month since we moved home.

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Since we moved, my body made it clear that I needed to slow down in the guise of different illnesses. Looking back now, all the stress, worrying, endless to do lists and mountains of packing just feels like a blur in my head. I did not have time to take stock, to look around and notice what was happening. Maybe it was because I couldn’t…or wouldn’t allow myself.

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Before we moved, I thought we would say an emotional goodbye to a house that’s been a feature in my life, for all my life. I visited my Aunty and Uncle there when I was young. When my grandparents bought it I remember my Grandad standing at the window, pretending to cheer as I left. It was the place to meet for family get togethers. It was the go to place when my parents separated and it was the house we stayed in when my dad died.

I do wonder, because of all that, whether the house ever felt 100% mine because of all the memories it held. Regardless, it was the house that saw our lives change. It welcomed new family – my youngest was even born there.

I felt that I needed to have time to say goodbye, to put closure on that chapter of our lives but it didn’t work that way. The universe had other plans.

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After time to think it over, to deal with the enormity of moving our lives elsewhere, I realise that it unfolded the way it had to. I didn’t have chance to think of what was happening – maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have cherished what we were going to…our new adventure.

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The new house doesn’t feel like ours just yet. We are taking time to settle, unpack (slowly) and find out what works and what doesn’t. I’m itching to buy paint, new furniture and furnishings but I am taking my time so I get it right. This house comes with very few memories and I want to grow into it.

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I am relaxing into each room and enjoying the space. I love, love, love having a craft space I can lock away from prying eyes and tiny fingers to create whenever I can.

Recent festive makes…. 🙂

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One thing I’m sure of is that I’m looking forward to making many new memories in this house….that and that it’s very, very unlikely I’ll move again 😉

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Until next time,

T xx

(All images sourced from Pinterest)

Bah humbug

My last post was all about Christmas cheer and the joys of the festive season. Today, however my mood couldn’t be further from the excited, hopeful individual that wrote that piece.

As I write today, I feel as though I have regressed to a sulky teenager, someone who wants to hit out at the world and hibernate.

What’s changed? No one particular thing, maybe a culmination of many events, many interactions with others and many feelings and emotions I am struggling to deal with.

The house move is filling my life with uncertainty and while people are doing their jobs, it is exactly that – their job. It is not their life that’s on hold, their life that’s turned upside down and boxed up ready to go.

I feel as though my life is not my own. I am at the mercy of others for many different things and I am not in control; my usual default mode.

I am a homebody. I am the first to admit that my favourite place on earth is my bed and I am never happier than when I am at home with my family. I enjoy socialising but there’s nothing better than that feeling when you walk in to the warmth of your home, your sanctuary. That for me, is not there at the moment and it’s so difficult. My life is boxed up. My home is not my own.

I want to lock the door, keep everyone out. I want to take control and do things my way. I want to sulk like a petulant child and scream at anyone who wants to talk to me. I want to act out to try and find some way of exorcising these feelings. I want others to understand what it’s like.

But they won’t. As with any situation, there are those that feel they know best. There are those who want to fix you. There are those who will tell you they’ve been through it and understand. The thing is, no matter how similar our experiences, no two situations are exactly the same. We will all have different experiences, different reactions. We are all individuals.

So for today, I want to lock the door, shut out the world and hide under the duvet, metaphorically speaking. I know I will find that positivity again soon but just for today I need to hide, to lick my wounds and deal with all these changes. There is no quick fix out of these feelings and I don’t know where they’ll lead but just for today this is how I feel.

Until next time,

Toni xx